When Uncle Google is not your friend or "Non fui, fui, non sum, non curo"

Tonight we´re going to be philosophical. Okay we´re going to be YOLO, which is basically modern philosophy. :) Because I have done something stupid and have been faced with a part of my illness I tried to ignore as best as I could (and some of you also I would guess).

Don´t google that shit!

I googled my cancer. Yep. Great idea. I don´t know what I expected, maybe that he had a cool Twitter account or something or I could befriend him on Facebook (if I still had a FB account that is ;))? Well, he doesn´t so nevermind googling him! What I DID find was an informative medical book about malignant lymphomas. You see where this is going right? I don´t want to go into too much detail, I think there is a reason my doctors haven´t been talking to me about all that stuff that was in there but there were reeeally nice diagrams and stuff showing you the "survival" rates of T-cell lymphomas and statistics and numbers. But what are numbers anyway, right?

Reading about "high recurrence rate" and "poor prognosis" it hit me right in the face. Fuck, I have cancer. People die of cancer. Somehow I missed that connection before (she said shaking her broccoli brain in astonishment).

In your face, bitch!

That´s a little bit like a smoker trying to ignore the fact that he COULD get cancer. "Yeah, sure, smoking causes cancer, but for sure not me, right? RIGHT??" Yeah, right dude, it´s never you. The point of my little metaphor- the smoker will keep smoking cause he can convince himself of the fact that statistics are always for other people. And that´s exactly what I did, too (well not the smoking but the keeping on). :) The average age for getting my cancer is around 70, the patients usually have so-called comorbidity and are not fit enough for my kind of treatment plan. Most of them don´t face a long life anyway. I´m no part of these statistics cause I´m simply too young and healthy (beside having cancer of course ;)).

Greatest philosopher that ever lived!

But still, I have a life threatening illness with statistically poor outcome. I have to deal with death and all the fears that come with it. But that actually doesn´t make you think about dying, but about living. About all the things you should do, the people you care about and the gifts that have been given to you. You reconsider the priorities you´ve set in life before. And you seriously don´t care when eating Lakritze for lunch if you feel like it (I´ll be thinking about my "after-cancer-body" when I´m in complete remission, thank you ;)).

Dealing with all these thoughts changes you as a person. I will never be the same as before the cancer. I will always be scared when I have night sweat, my left side hurts or I feel strangely sick. If you have been so close to death it stays with you. But not just with me. I know that for most of you this is the first time you are confronted with all of this as well. We´re so young, we shouldn´t be thinking about death. But I need to and I´m afraid you too if you want to stay with me. Because this is now part of my life and it will be for the coming years. So please, if you feel like talking about this, you can talk to me. And you should because we´re in this together, right? :)

P.S.:

Bucket List!!

P.P.S.: The latin citation is from Epicurus, a Greek philosopher. He has some great views on death if you´re interested in that just google the letter to Menoeceus.

Suck it up, thrombocytes!

What, me?

See that dude? Looking all cute and cuddly and innocent? Don´t let him fool you, he´s a bastard. He´s the reason my last CHOEP cycle will be postponed.
Today I´ve been to my doctor´s office to get my next shot of epo and a blood checkup.
After being down to 6.4 last week and two bags of blood my hemoglobin is back to 8.4! So, yay hemoglobin, way to go (yeah, I know, 8.4 actually still sucks but I dont´t want to be complaining too much. He´s so sensitive these days...)!
Since I´ve spent the last three days with blood building pain I knew my leukocytes wouldn´t let me down. 22k, you go gurrrl (I just got my first invoice for the meds for the second cycle- jeez one Neulasta shot costs 1500€! That stuff should better be good otherwise it would just be a fucking expensive way to have horrible pain!)!
So everything´s good right? Let´s get that fourth toxic cocktail down my veins and finally be over with CHOEP!
Ahhh wait! Let´s not forget the reason I have bruises on the soles of my feet! My thrombocytes are down to 46k. That´s not an all-time low (that was 32k and I got the transfusion then) but still low enough that I apparently can´t take another round of chemo right now. Something about brain hemorrhaging or whatever. Pff, as if my brain could become any more broccoli (today I was taking a vision test for my contact lenses and I could easily see the numbers but kept telling the wrong ones to the lady. o0 Like, I KNEW that it was a nine but still said seven. That was awkward.). But instead of giving me another transfusion of blood components my doc decided we should wait another week to start CHOEP 4. So my body can recover. What a pussy.

I want to tell him to bring it on, I´m still strong enough! We´re only getting started, how can I already begin to fall behind? I want to get it over with, the sooner the better. I already had made an appointment at the hospital for the restaging, I don´t want to postpone that either. So I´ve been stuffing myself with food that should *allegedly* help increase your thrombocytes (Omega 3, berries, Vitamin C etc). Let´s get those suckers up to at least 80k so I don´t miss my chemo on Wednesday! Cause I´m not ready to take a break. I can´t even see the end of the stairs, there´s still such a long way to go. So suck it up thrombocytes, you hear me?!

#youmakemarksad

Having cancer feels like deactivating your Facebook account. One minute you´re part of a group of people, having a life, sharing your experiences with your friends and jeeez you have soo many friends! And the next... it´s all gone. And nobody ever notices that you´re no longer on Facebook taking part in all those things. They all keep on living their awesome lives, posting about it, making plans. And you have to answer to Mark Zuckerberg why the hell you want to leave Facebook. Cause nobody ever leaves Facebook.

Why, Anja, whyyy??

Yes, your life has been put on "deactivated". Wanted to go on a festival this year? Forget it! Vacation in Iceland? Erm, maybe next year. Your projects at work? Yeah, somenone else will have to do that. Instead of a life you have cancer. What a great tradeoff!

My link to the outside world!

I thought that I would only be facing isolation at the end of my treatment when all my stem cells have left the sinking ship after BEAM (something to look forward to!). But I already feel like in isolation now at home. Day in, day out it´s the same. Pain and bad blood values hinder you from going out (and if you dare to like go to a concert you will pay for it double and triple the next days. But still, totally worth it! \m/), so all that´s left is people come visit you or at least write you messages... Like, any minute now. When´s the last time I checked my phone? Oh. Two minutes ago. Still nothing? Lemme check that again.

Woah wait, that´s too exciting!

Chemo days or blood check ups are actually a nice change to everyday of... nothing. Reading books? Too exhausting. Working? Not allowed. Gaming? Been there, done that (only game that doesn´t suck is Guitar Hero but my hands are too clumsy on most days so it´s just frustrating). Learning Dutch? Yeaahh, I´m having trouble with German on most days so this is also getting too hard (and I know all important sentences anyway. Pardon, ik ben een appel. Word.). I´m already seriously considering painting mandalas. You smell that? That´s serious boredom my friends. And a whiff of desperation. Thank you Marc Randolph and Reed Hastings for giving us Netflix or I would be tearing out my hair out of boredom! Oh yeah, wait...

That´s me when not getting chemo or blood. Well, minus the hair.

At the moment it´s just me and my demon. Like everyday. At least we have the same taste in TV shows (he´s a Brony thank heavens! Or is it Drony? o0). But he´s no fun to talk to. And he keeps reminding me that I´m sick. Jerk.
I may no longer be on Facebook but I´m still here though. So if you got the time, pick up your phone and write a short text, will you? My days are veeeeery long and your text might just make my day. :)

P.S.: If you got so much time on your hands as I do and you basically can´t move what´s better to do than watch The Lord of the Rings Extended version for the umptieth time? Right, nothing cause it´s awesome (and easily killing over 12 hours ;)). I noticed though I may look more like Gollum I´m more like Frodo (I also have the hairy feet of a Hobbit. Just kidding. Of course those hair also fell off from Chemo ;)). He just got the f***ing Ring by bad luck and everyone else is relieved that it´s not them. Nobody ever asked him whether or not he wanted to be the Ring-bearer and still he needs to make a dangerous and long journey he never wanted to make. I´m pretty sure he also never wanted to see Mount Doom from close-up. But he has no choice but going that way and noone else can actually help him bearing that burden. And the Ring changes him, is trying to consume him. But in the end he can destroy it. So here´s hoping!

Third round of chemo or Pour no sugar on me!

Time´s flying my friends! We´re already at the end of round three.

You know, one of my many doctors said that getting chemo would be like walking up a flight of stairs. The first one or two floors are easy breezy. But you will tire the more floors you walk and so does your body during chemo. Now the thing is- my chemo is not like walking up the stairs, my chemo is like running up the stairs. Usually the patient would get 17 days between each CHOEP cycle so the body can recover and rebuild all important blood components. At the moment I´m at a ten days CHOEP cycle and it´s starting to show. At this point I feel like giving you a taste of what it feels like to go through what I´m going through without the sugarcoating on it. Don´t want to know? That´s fine, I wouldn´t either :) Just skip to the tl;dr and you´re fine.

Wanna know? Here´s my list of current side effects with the corresponding meds:

• Pain. Like everywhere. I think my body has adapted a quite high level of pain tolerance by now. And that´s good because the painkillers I get tend to not woork anymoore (Ibu 600, jeez not even the good stuff!).
• Neuropathy. Fingers are almost completely numb, toes are starting to get numb. Everyday things are getting really hard if you cannot control the feeling and pressure in your fingers. Like picking up a Euro coin you dropped. That´s seriously frustrating. No meds for that, not even sure it is reversible after chemo. My doc however decided to reduce the Vincristin (that´s one of the meds responsible for Neuropathy) concentration for the last cycle. Hope that helps.
• Tremor. My hands are shaking, can´t control it. If I´m emotionally stressed it gets really worse. Eating jell-o is a real challenge! ;) (And don´t expect any non-shaky photos from me in the coming weeks! I´m just glad I don´t drop the camera while taking a picture!)
• Sleeplessness. Not so bad, I have always been a nightowl anyway. If I could sleep this neat little blog wouldn´t exist (Well, it´s not great and made of mashed potatoes, but it´s mine!). ;) And for the nights I need to sleep I still have sleeping pills.
• Change in taste. Things taste different, mostly worse than before. I have lost Guacamole to chemo. Let´s all take a minute to mourn... :(
• Sickness. No throwing up though, thank goodness. Can take nice little pills called MCP 10 AL against that. Unfortunately, they are not working very well. Actually, they don´t work at all for me. Oh well.
• Muscle cramps. Mostly during the night. Great way to wake up! Take magnesium pills against that.
• Dry mouth with sticky spit. Not so bad but still not very great. Mouth wash against that.
• Dark spots on skin. It seems my body wants to adapt to the age I should be when having this kind of cancer. I have no idea if they will go away again but apparently it´s quite usual to get changes on the skin (this also means that the skin gets thinner at some places tending to tear and bleed. That´s why I cannot shave the last stubbles on my head. Or get a cool tattoo to cover the bald head XD )

• Slow regeneration. My port wound is still not completely healed. Actually all nurses and doctors make a "Ewwww!" face when they see it. It still hurts and we all hope it won´t become infected. Losing my port would be very bad right now. (Will probably also become a problem when we take out my wisdom tooth...)

• Coma states. Can fall asleep within seconds. Looks kinda scary for other people. Hihi. :)
• Splenomegalie. That means my spleen is bigger than it should be (in hospital it was alsmost thrice it´s size. It has shrunken which is good! :)). This is one part of my cancer and also a side effect of the blood damage. Sometimes it´s pushing on my stomache making me sick. It also can be painful especially when having to sit upright for a longer time.  
• Chemo brain. Yep, still dumb as f*** :)
• Hairloss. Aw c´mon, that horse is dead!
• Infertility. DINKs 4 life, what can I say. Still waiting for the menopausal symptoms though.

And that were the just the side effects of the chemo meds or the meds I get to help my body take on chemo meds. Who wants to know about how it feels when your blood is... bloodless? :)

• Thrombocytes: At values below 100k it´s called thrombocytopenia, at values below 30k there is a risk of spontaneous bleeding (like nose bleeding, bleeding gums or even brain bleeding). My values are ranging somewhere between 90k and 30k so I bruise easily. Did you know you could get bruises on the soles of your feet? Yes, you can and it hurts like hell when walking. The only shoes I can wear right now are my 10 years old Chucks that are only held together by dirt and love. :) Luckily, the thrombocyte infusion last week had no side effects and helped a bit.
• Leukocytes: My leukocyte values are jumping between waaaay too low (around 2000) and waaay too high (like 20k). Chemo makes leukos low, Neulasta makes them go up. I don´t have that much feelable effects from the value itself (well besides my immune system being fucked up rendering me grounded at home :( ) but as you sure remember Neulasta has funny side effects. Tomorrow my next Neulasta shot waits for me. Yay. 
• Hemoglobin: A healthy woman should have a Hb value over 12, since mine is below ten I´m officially anaemic. Below eight a blood transfusion is necessary, which I already had twice. On my last blood check up on Wednesday my value was at 7.4. With this low Hb you usually feel weak (going to the toilet feels like running a marathon. Or how I imagine one might feel after running a marathon :)), cold, your heart races, you are short of breath and your brain doesn´t work very good (partially even lack of language like missing words completely or spelling them wrong). Your tongue becomes a lazy fat glob in your mouth making you talk not just like a dumb person but also like a drunken dumb person. Instead of giving me a further transfusion my doc decided to give me an Epo shot. That´s the stuff pro cyclists use for doping (Aww maaan, no more Tour de France for me? I´ve been training so hard for it!). Idiots. Epo is basically comparable to Neulasta, it´s supposed to help your body build the blood component it needs (in this case hemoglobin). Ahh, did I hear "blood building"? Yes indeed! Epo has also basically the same side effects as Neulasta PLUS flu-like symptoms like fever or chills and severely elevated blood pressure! And since hemoglobin is nothing without some iron (and of course my iron value is also way too low), I get one infusion of iron every week for the next weeks.

 It basically feels like your body is failing you. More and more. I felt actually better when it just was me and my demon. But then again, I would probably be dead by now without chemo treatment so what´s a few side effects compared to that, right?

tl;dr

Sucks to be me right now ;)  But let´s keep our fingers crossed that my blood values tomorrow are good enough so we can keep on running up the stairs! Wouldn´t want to fall behind! There is still a whole skyscraper of stairs waiting for me after CHOEP, are you up for it? :) 

P.S.: What can I say? It´s plain disappointing. I´m giving up. Science... it failed me! And just think about the 16 € I spent on the UV lamp! Ahhh, what a cruel world! What I´m talking bout? My final result of getting the Doxorubicin to fluorescence:

Nothing!

Let´s just hope the meds do a better job doing what they´re actually supposed to do- killing cancer! 

P.P.S.: We all knew it for like ever but now it´s official: I´m severely disabled. 100% bitch!

A Metal Heart is hard to tear apart

The one thing that can make all the difference between defeating the unwanted demon inside you called cancer and losing to him is attitude. Being the stubborn mule that I am, attitude has never been a big problem (well, some may say it has but in a different way ;)). Facing however my third cycle of CHOEP in less than four hours (sleep is totally overrated!), with the side effects piling up faster than Mountain Med and knowing that this is just the "easy" beginning of the treatment, there are of course times even my attitude wavers.

Some people might turn to a psycho oncologist for help (yes, that´s an actual profession. The one in hospital was telling me about a movie about a woman with cancer, a true story, and this movie was soooo sad...and exactly then she noticed "maybe you shouldn´t watch it right now...". Ya think?) or meditate or maybe binge-eat chocolate. For me the one thing I turn to for boosting my spirit is music. Which in my case, thank satan, is power metal.
In power metal songs it´s all about winning epic battles, fighting glorious until the last breath or being a warrior made of steel on a noble quest- as example for all you non-metal heads out there a few song titles from my current playlist: "Last before the Storm", "Resist and Bite", "Last Man Standing" or "Fury of the Storm". These songs ooze epicness and attitude! :)

There´s one song in particular I have been listening to a lot cause it really speaks to me and tonight I would like to share it with you. It´s "Neuer Wind" from Van Canto and it´s in German, sorry for the handful readers who don´t speak German. ;)

Es sind jetzt mehr als tausend Tage seit du aufgebrochen bist,
und noch mehr als hundert Stunden bis der Schlaf dir sicher ist.
Egal wie sehr du hadern magst mit diesem Jetzt und Hier,
die Antwort, die du suchst, liegt noch vor dir. 

Geh diesen Weg, dreh nicht wieder um, 
geh ihn bis zum Schluss, 
ein Weg, der gegangen werden muss.
Es ist nicht mehr weit, geh noch dieses Stück,
und lass dich bitte nicht zurück.

Bei Sturmgewalt und Regen,
Lauf auf neuen Wegen.
Kopf hoch- Neuer Wind kommt von vorn.

Stemm dich fest dagegen,
Wer nicht kämpft, hat schon verlor´n.
Neuer Wind kommt stets von vorn.

Egal wie kalt die Nächte sind, du bist nicht allein.
Hier sammeln sich alle Mächte, lass es deine sein.
Und wenn du auch an Kraft verlierst, verzweifle daran nicht,
denn sicher ist, du hast immer noch dich.

Bei Sturmgewalt und Regen,
Lauf auf neuen Wegen.
Kopf hoch- Neuer Wind kommt von vorn.

Stemm dich fest dagegen,
Morgen wirst du neu gebor´n.
Neuer Wind kommt stets von vorn.

There´s one thing you will never hear in a power metal song or from me-  and that´s "giving up". I´m way too stubborn to give in to anything and hell to the no will I give in to my c-demon (he´s in for some trouble cause I´m the bigger bitch). As long as I can raise my hand to a Pommesgabel I will keep on fighting! \m/ :)

She´s fucking 100 years old! Rock on, gurrrl!

Attack of the Vampire-Zombie-Koalas of Doom... from Hell?

For all of you who haven´t been to Australia and are therefore no walking-talking random facts database about Koalas (and Wombats like meee) lemme tell you one thing about those cutesy-wootsy, cuddly, chlamydia-infected teddy bears: they sleep 20 hours a day, eat a little bit and go back to sleep. That´s basically all they do. And that´s basically all I did, too, for the past days. Couldn´t move, couldn´t hold my eyes open. But a week of sleeping would hardly qualify to write a blog about, wouldn´t it? :)

Pure, fresh thrombocytes for breakfast and the dreaded Neulasta shot

The last time I felt so weak I got my first blood transfusion so I schlepped myself to my doctor for a checkup. Good news is- my hemoglobin is as good as it gets somewhere around 9 to 10 (still anemic but best value since weeks, yay!). Not so good news- the other zytes are like zero. This means no more contact to larger groups of people because of the infection risk (that just fits my misanthropic nature) and no more cutting my fingers cause I wouldn´t stop bleeding (did I ever tell you that they took away the scissors from me in kindergarden because I was so clumsy? Yeah, and now I have trembling hands I can´t control. Grrreeat combination! :)). My thrombocytes dropped so low by the end of the week that the docs decided to gimme some extra via transfusion.What can I say, I just need my regular blood to keep looking so young and healthy.
As for the leukocytes- thank goodness my Mom has absolutely no reservations against bringing pain upon her own children so I didn´t have to give me the Neulasta shot myself (she´s also a trained doctor´s assisstant :)). I´m really a big baby when it comes to hurting myself, but then again who isn´t? ;)

This one´s only funny for so long until you notice you´re the child

The other thing I would like to tell you about is what I call "chemo brain" (I didn´t know that this was an actual medical term. You can look it up on Wikipedia, it has a real fancy-schmancy name!). Some of you may already have noticed that my messages are sometimes confusing to downright stupid. The reason for this is that I´m confused to downright stupid most of the time. Yes, my brain is turning into vegetables. I´m getting very slow at understanding things or keeping track of my thoughts. Unfortunately that can´t be fixed by giving me like additional brains. Come to think of it, hmmmm braaainssss.....




So please be patient, you´re talking to broccoli brains from now on. Hmmmmm, broccoli braaaainsss.

P.S.: My new prices I won in Bullshit Bingo: my wisdom tooth decided to come out and annoy me (we can´t it take out though because of my horrible blood values) aaand I caught a yeast infection. Been taking painkillers for four days straight now. Worked well until the blood building began. Awww, Anja, you just can´t get enough now, can you?  Should stop yelling "here me" when they hand out the... not so nice things. :)
P.P.S.: And the transfusion helped since I´m apparently back to sleeplessness or I wouldn´t be blogging so much ;)

Second round of chemo or Playing Skat with Vikings

Yay 50% of CHOEP are officially over! Instead of growing bodyparts or gaining superpowers I´ve lost my hair. Not unexpected but I would´ve preferred X-Ray vision or something like that. Or some wings maybe? :) Since getting toxic chemicals dribbled into your body is nothing spectacular to write about (or to experience to be honest, those are just plain boring 5 hours! ;)) I want to write about my new second home- my oncology doctor´s office!

My new doctor is not just simply a medical doctor nooohooo, paaaleeease! That would be way too ordinary for me. He´s a *drumroll* Professor! Unfortunately he´s still just a medical Professor and nothing like Professor Dumbledore so he cannot just "Evanesco" my cancer. Booh. Even though he seems to have no magical powers he´s still very nice. Especially since he gave me way more freedom than the doctors from the hospital (alcohol and sushi!! Wohooo! :)). And he´s also a fan of Bayern Munich. Ahh, perfect match. :)

Since most of you have like jobs and I dunno a life ?, you will probably never sit with me through a chemo session. Aww, you don´t know what you´re missing out on, fun and games all around! But for you to still get an impression, here are some pictures.

If only these chairs had a massage function!

Five hours is more than enough time to teach those savages from Norway the highly sophisticated German card game Skat. And to take a nap. Learning Skat is exhausting. What exactly were you there for? Entertaining me maybe? Sleepyhead!

2.5 litres of liquid on day one, all through my port- that´s a lot of pee breaks :)

Yeah, ok, it´s just as boring as it sounds. Luckily, on day two and three I only get two infusions which take about 2 hours to dribble painfully slow into my body. Sooo, round three is approaching, any volunteers for this exciting and awesome event? Anyone? You get to drink apple juice for free! Huh? No? We can play cards! :)

P.S.: We actually tried to make the Vincristin glow with an UV lamp. Didn´t work. Damn you, science, you failed me! But I´m not giving up that easily. Maybe it was too light. Or too diluted. My experiments continue!

Friends will be friends

This one´s not about me. This one´s about you.

It´s about being there so I don´t have to spend one single day in four weeks alone in hospital. It´s also about writing messages even at the most unusual times because I just can´t sleep again. It´s about keeping to ask how I am and having questions. It´s about travelling hundreds or thousands of kilometres to be with me and sit with me through chemo. It´s about all the small and great gifts I get just to cheer me up. It´s about coming to my "Fuck the Cancer" Kaffeekranz to spit cancer in the face.

It´s about smiling even though I can see you want to cry.

It´s about friendship. And love. It´s about you. You´re awesome. Thank y´all so very much.

"F*** hair! Doesn´t help you anyway!"

I have seen and heard a lot of different reactions to the fact that I´m losing my hair but none was ever more true (of course this comes from a guy, no girl would eeeever say something like that ;)). I have cancer for chrissakes what do I care about my hair?

Still, it was a memorable moment when I woke up at 5 am Easter Monday and went through my hair and had the first strands of it in my hands. Optimistic as I was I made an appointment with my hairstylist on Saturday, thinking it would at least take a week for all of this beautiful hair to fall off. But once it started it went very quick. Within two days there only was a pathetic rest left (if you want a picture- think Gollum who fell in an unicorn colored paint pot), so I went to Jenny again and let her finish what she so gloriously started barely a week ago.

That´s all that is - a 1.5 litres Ikea ZipBloc!

One thing you learn fast is that there are always two sides to everything. That´s at least what all the "keep your hopes up" postcards say. ;) So, here are my two sides to losing your hair:

Fun things about losing your hair

• get to wear funny wigs and cool bandanas
• no more shaving legs (or anything else for that matter ;))
• no more bad hair days
• smile at people staring, making them feel uncomfortable (that is probably something only I enjoy ;) It´s also funny to go to the smoker´s area and cough very pathetically!)
• way more space in bathroom with all the hair care products gone (who ever knew I had so much!? o0)
• all the money I´ll save from not having to go to hair stylist (I have like a thousand other investment ideas for that :))
• get to do THIS when going to metal party:

It also said "Never regret never surrender" on the front :)

Not so fun things about losing your hair

Remind me to never grow a beard! ;)

• it´s freezing! (have to wear night cap o0)
• headbanging without hair SUCKS!
• need to train a new nervous tick (until now I was putting my hair behind my ears- now I´m instead touching my eyebrows looking like a dork)
• need to buy new earrings, most of my old ones make me look like a drag queen without a wig (I knooow that´s really hard ;))
• need monthly contact lenses, with glasses I look like Walter White
• did I mention it´s f***ing freezing??

And let´s be honest- who wouldn´t want to know how he looks like with a bald head? So, this is me now for everyone who hasn´t seen it yet.

Yep, that´s bald. Deal withit.

And yes, I also have a wig but I somehow don´t feel like wearing it already (you will get picures of it don´t worry ;)). I would feel like hiding something and I sure as hell don´t have to hide anything. So go on and stare if you want to, I will keep smiling back! :)


P.S.: I want to take this blog to thank my best friend Gathi who was there at 5 am when it all started (magically awake, mind connection?), went with me to pick out my wig (can always count on your honest and sometimes cruel advice! ;)) and very patiently painted that awesome skull onto my not-yet-totally-bald-and-therefore-annoying-to-paint head :) I think it took longer to paint it than we were actually on the metal party! XD